How to Avoid Writing Bad Fiction

How do I avoid writing bad fiction? Whether it's a terrible story, a useless novel, or a soul-crushing rejection letter that haunts your nightmares, I have the answer for you. Here is a simple, three step guide. Follow these steps precisely, and you will never write a terrible sentence again!

Step 1: Don't write.

This is foolproof. It is certainly my recommended method. Do not touch a keyboard or a piece of paper. Don't even look at a pen. Don't have any ideas, and if you do, certainly don't share them with anyone. Do not express yourself in any way, shape, or form.

If you follow this one, simple piece of advice, you are guaranteed to never write another bad piece of fiction again.

Step 2: Don't share.

Quitting writing is an advanced method. If you find yourself addicted to the pen and unable to quit cold turkey, I suggest weening yourself off slowly. Decrease your word count in increments. Until then, do not share what you've written with anyone. Do not query publishers. Do not submit to magazines. Don't give copies of your work to your dad or your grandma. Don't even let your dog glimpse your words.

In this way, you can maintain a bubble of denial in which your writing is wonderful. Every word is gold, and no one will tell you differently.

Step 3: Don't think.

If you're struggling with the previous two steps, this can help. Reach into your mind and flip the switch from ON to OFF. Do not think. Don't have any ideas, and if you do, abandon them immediately. Fill your mind with Jersey Shore and The Bachelor. Under no circumstances read a book. If you must look at words, make them articles from beauty magazines.

During this step, it helps to have no consideration for others or for their lives. Concern yourself only with your own daily activities. There is nothing in the world except that milk you're picking up for your morning cereal or the clothes you're folding. Sleep a lot. Watch plenty of television.

No thinking allowed.

I am so confident in this program that I will make you a deal. If you follow these three easy steps and you are still writing bad fiction, I will personally mail you a thousand dollars and a personalized coffee mug (only pay S&H).

If you need more inspiration, remember this quote from Aristotle: "To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing."